Being Dinah Knox-Hooke
Updated: Mar 24, 2018
For as long as I can remember, this was me for YEARS. Thinking back as early as pre-teens, this was a constant feeling I carried throughout my childhood and into my adult years. At that young age, I didn't know the name for what I was feeling I just sort of felt like I was co-existing amongst my siblings and friends but something was missing. Acceptance or true love wasn't something I was familiar with. In my household, the examples I saw were one of my mum being scared of my dad, and rightly so, as he had a temper and exercised his 'authority' in ways that were demeaning and physically abusive at times. Unless we were hungry or needed changing, my mum was given the instruction not to hug or pick us up as babies. As I became older, I was never taught by affirmations or visual examples on how to love or value myself, nor encouraged to uphold principles or standards as a woman. My parent's relationship set the tone to what I perceived to be normal. This dysfunctional knowledge manifested in my later years when I began to enter in ...I can't call them relationships because I-HAVE-NEVER-HAD-A-BOYFRIEND. (Not one that would claim me.) Now that sounds so wild but this is the life I have lived. I would commit myself to these men and be the 'girlfriend' yet the idea of a relationship would be one that they would reject, and I accepted because this was my normal. It was normal for me to not be loved by a man. The first time my dad ever told me he loved me was after my 33rd birthday. I am 34.
He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds
I gave my life to Christ in 2013 and was baptised in 2014. Prior to this, I had been soul searching in the wrong places looking for answers and reassurance that I had a bright future ahead. This led me to seek answers from psychics and 'self-help' books. One book, in particular, spoke of the laws of attraction and how we can attract the things we want in life. At that time, I was searching for acceptance and love from a man. ( HE, who finds a wife, not SHE). I wrote a list of all the things I wanted in a partner. I didn't mention anything Godly that I wanted nor was it in my interest to desire such, so when my date turned up in a gun metal grey Range Rover like I had secretly written on my list along with wealth and good dress sense, I thought wow! This must be 'the one'. Because I had already accepted the psychics lies as truth it had me waiting for the manifestation of their fortune telling which resulted in me giving five years into an unproductive 'relationship' and nothing fruitful coming from it. I felt so let down by the psychic, money wasted on information that was false and did more harm than any good because as time went on and none of their predictions came to pass I sunk into depression. Ignorant to the effects of seeking revelations from a psychic I had unknowingly opened myself up to demonic attack.
The Bible speaks strongly against such indulgences regarding psychics. 'Necromancy is defined as the conjuring of the spirits of the dead for purposes of magically revealing the future or influencing the course of events. In the Bible, necromancy is also called “divination,” “sorcery” and “spiritism” and is forbidden many times in Scripture (Leviticus 19:26; Deuteronomy 18:10; Galatians 5:19-20; Acts 19:19) as an abomination to God. It is something that the Lord speaks very strongly against and is to be avoided as much as any evil. The reason for this is twofold.
First, necromancy is going to involve demons and opens the one who practices it to demonic attack. Satan and his demons seek to destroy us, not to impart to us truth or wisdom. We are told that our “enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Second, necromancy does not rely on the Lord for information, the Lord who promises to freely give wisdom to all who ask for it (James 1:5). This is especially telling because the Lord always wants to lead us to truth and life, but demons always want to lead us to lies and serious damage and ultimately death.' excerpt from gotquestions.org
I found myself in the club, in the festivals and in the tents high as a kite off drugs and alcohol with the Range Rover driving, presumed to be 'the one' guy who was anything BUT the one for me. My sister Dara confronted me about it and also told our mum about my behaviour yet I defended my actions. It wasn't until later, I admitted the error in my ways, allowed her to pray for me and with me to be delivered from every evil I had opened myself up to. We stood there in her kitchen as she laid hands praying and pleading the blood of Jesus to shut every entrance I had opened up. I had got rid of every item I let the psychic hold to gain access to tell my 'fortune' as that was also legal ground for a continuation of affliction in my life. I have since repented for seeking counsel outside of God because there is no plan B outside of plan A (God) none that would stand anyway. My life, by His mercy and grace now continues to go from strength to strength and I am solely waiting on the LORD, seeking His counsel and trusting His plans for my life.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
- Jeremiah 29:11
I once questioned how God could love me?I felt unworthy of such because I was a mess, who could love me like this? But I no longer question God's love for me. His work done on the cross of Calvary is the highest level of proof that He indeed loves me in my sinful state, as He loves all of us. It is us (humans) who reject His love. Imagine if God went about feeling rejected because we didn't love Him? ( I'm just going to leave that sentence right there.....)
I've since come to understand, accept and embrace more and more that my father (God) loves me no matter what and there is nothing I can do to stop that love. The Bible tells me 'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?' Romans 8:35 so, neither can the absence of love from my earthly father or a man, feelings of rejection or depression.
Being a Mother
A single one at that, but one who is intentionally enjoying. I say intentionally because I'm sure many mothers can relate, whether single or not that MOTHERHOOD is not easy and can at times take a toll not only on our bodies and bank accounts but also rob us of sleep or privacy when you just want to sit on the sofa and maybe pick your nose or wedgy without another set of eyes watching you or footsteps following you around EVERYWHERE asking questions I don't have the answers to, like 'Why Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air screams or why's Will Smith's hairline bent'.
I choose to intentionally, on purpose enjoy every sleep deprived bank account emptying hour that parenthood brings. Parenthood comes with its own storms and sunnier days, but in my own case, there isn't a male counterpart to share those seasons with. I have, however, learned to weather those said seasons as they have come and gone over the past 11 years of being a mum and if I'm honest I wouldn't rewind the time and change it. I have learned to be thankful for every situation I have grown through! knowing that all things work together for my good. (Romans 8:28)
Off the back of being a single mum and struggling at times to show my son how to be a man when I myself aren't one and noticing his desire to have an older male to look up to and do guy stuff with led me to look for support groups or organisations that assign male mentors to young boys. The obstacle I faced immediately was that there was no mentor support for young boys who didn't have a referral from social services or have behavioural problems. I was left with the option of waiting until his behaviour became a 'problem' and society quickly labelling him or creating a platform myself. I chose the latter. I decided that if I couldn’t find an organisation that offered mentorship, support and guidance to meet the needs of my son without this rigid criteria I would create it; not only for my son but for the millions of single mothers raising sons all over the world. I want single women, who are raising boys that will become men, to know they aren't forgotten.
That vision birthed Mothers of Men
An organisation created to support, encourage and empower women from all races and backgrounds to overcome the challenges we face as single parents raising boys. We aim to connect young boys with mentors who can help positively shape their bright futures. We want to eradicate the brokenness that can potentially occur when there is no father figure present in our child's life and build positive solid men. I'd like to share an encouraging and reassuring scripture that my son read one day which caused his face to light up:
A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
You may be finding it hard doing it alone, perhaps you and your son(s) feel lonely and not supported. Maybe you were totally unaware that such a service existed for single mums raising boys who don't fall into the category of 'behavioural problems' or a social service referral. Upon you reading this, I want you to know that Mothers of Men is here! Not only do we offer to mentor boys but our workshops cover confidence boosting, renewed perspectives, strengthening communication, relationships and bonding for both mother and son. You may be struggling to do it alone but TOGETHER WE CAN.
To conclude, I want to encourage anyone that may be struggling right now with feelings of rejection, acceptance or being a single mother with this scripture
casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you